Guo Jing, a social worker and rights activist from Wuhan shares her feelings of experiencing a new level of grief after she heard about Dr Li’s death.
By Jing Guo
Guo Jing, a 29-year-old social worker and rights activist, lives in Wuhan, the Chinese city at the heart of the outbreak of a new virus which has got the world worried.
Here is her story:
Date: Feb 7, 2020
Location: Wuhan
What is a rumour? It depends on who defines rumour, who has the right to judge and how. So-called “rumour” needs a process of being proved or disapproved, we cannot judge simply because “I don’t agree with what you said”.
Dinner from yesterday is winter mushroom fried with pork and porridge. I also continued talking with friends through online video, the topic is death.
Both my grandparents from my mom’s side passed away several years ago, but I still occasionally have dreams about them. Because of the one-child-policy, when my mom got pregnant with my younger brother, I had to stay with my grandparents. I stayed with them until I returned to my parents when I turned seven. Till the time I was a teenager, we were always celebrating the most important holidays with them.
My grandparents rarely forced me to do anything. I never had many friends of my age in the village, so I mostly ended up watching TV or reading books by myself. I feel comfortable to stay with myself.
It was indeed quite hard for me to face their death. Now, I don’t know whom should I turn to, and how. It’s also because we don’t talk about death. We tell white lies to those who are dying; death is too heavy, we don’t want to burden anyone.
The mother of a friend passed away. She said, “I always talked about my mom with my family because she meant a lot to me. She lived with us.”
Then other friends started to talk about their anxieties of death. Some said they are afraid of the pain before death, some are afraid of the disappearance of “self” and self-consciousness. And, some are afraid to go to sleep because they think to fall asleep feels like dying.
We also talked about many people who have cancer and have fought with the disease to stay alive. Many even defeated cancer and kept on living.
We talked about in the time of the epidemic, when there are so many sudden deaths, and they have no funerals. Their beloved cannot even say goodbye, let alone hospice care!
All of a sudden, somebody in the chatting group said, “Li Wenliang died”. (Li Wenliang was the first doctor who warned the public of the coronavirus and was wrongly admonished by the police, shortly after he was infected) “What”?! someone shouted. Someone else said, “His death is not justified. Our life now depends merely on luck.”
After the video call, I went through my WeChat moments (similar to the Facebook wall ). Everybody was saying that they hoped that Li’s death is just a rumour. But we really cannot just define rumour so casually. We also cannot magically just make things that we don’t want to believe “rumour”.
I was lying on the bed, and I cannot control my tears, I started to cry loudly. There are so many question marks in my head. “why?”
I don’t remember how I fell asleep.
In the morning, I woke up, turned and tried to go back to sleep again. I could not. But, I didn’t want to get up and face the reality. I eventually got out of bed and turned on my phone. It was about Li Wenliang all over the internet. Some are taking pictures with their face masks on with words “I don’t understand” written over it.
Li Wenliang was admonished by the police, and he had to sign a document, which read “we want you to calm down, earnestly reflect and solemnly warn you: if you stuck in your way and don’t change, continue with the illegal activities, you will be punished by law. Do you understand?”
Below is his answer written: “Understood”.
I started to cry again. How do I live in a society that’s so absurd? I have to try, very hard. This is also resistance. So, I did my routine workout and went out.
In the elevator, they provide tissues to people so that they can use it to press the buttons.
I felt like talking to people about Li Wenliang. We have to remember him. There were very few people along the riverside, but I go there often, and I made acquaintance with the administrator.
I walked near the river, and asked him: “do you know that Li Wenliang died yesterday”? Soon after that, I thought of what do I know about death? I don’t even know when he died, someone said that his heart stopped beating at 9:30 pm, and later they used ECMO to rescue him. Around 3:48 am in the morning, according to Wuhan Central Hospital, Li Wenliang died at 2:58 am.
He answered: “I know, I saw it on my phone, but we can’t talk about it”.
I said, “Li Wenliang is the first one to warn about the virus, but he was blamed for spreading rumours. This is indeed very sad”.
The administrator said, “There are many things like this. If not because of work, I will just stay at home”.
I replied: ”I cannot just stay at home, I need to walk around”.
He said: ”stay safe”.
I said: “you too”.
Along the river, I only saw two people today. Even the old man who can do some tricks on the exercise bar is not there.
As I reached home, I lighted up a candle to mourn Li Wenliang. During the shower, I played “The Internationale” on my phone, on repeat.
I burst into tears. This is a new level of grief and indignation that I have never experienced before.
Read the full article in Chinese.
谣言是什么？这取决于谁来定义谣言，谁有权力裁决，以及如何裁决。所谓的谣言都需要一个被证实或证伪的过程，不能简单地通过我不认同你说的话来判断。
昨天的晚餐是香菇炒肉加稀饭。晚上继续和朋友聊天，主题是死亡。我外公外婆前几年先后去世，我现在还时常会梦到他们。因为计划生育，我妈怀了我弟之后，就把我送到了我外公外婆家，直到7岁才回到我父母家，一直到十几岁我每年春节都在外公外婆家过年。
我外公外婆很少强迫我做什么事，尽管我在他们的村子并没有同龄的朋友，很多时候都是我一个人看书或是看电视，但我感到很自在。他们的去世一度是我难以面对的事情，不知道向谁讲述，如何讲述，因为我们没有讲死亡的习惯。我们向即将死亡的人隐瞒他们快要死去的信息；死亡太沉重了，我也不想给别人增加负担。
有个朋友的妈妈已经去世，她说：“我会和我家人讲起我妈，因为她对我很重要，她是持续和我们生活在一起的。”大家纷纷讲了自己的死亡焦虑，有人害怕死亡之前的痛苦，有人害怕“我”的消失和自我意识的消亡，有人一度觉得睡着的时候很像死亡而不敢睡着，有人担心死了之后自己的财产怎么处理。我们聊到很多得了癌症的人依然在为了活着而抗争，有的人还战胜了癌症后活了很多年。我们讲到疫情中充满了突然而集中的死亡，他们没有葬礼，无法和所爱的人告别，更别说临终关怀。突然有人说：“李文亮死了”。有人惊叫“什么”。有人说，这是不公正的死亡，我们现在活着只是一种偶然和侥幸。
结束了视频，我翻了朋友圈，大家都在说希望李文亮死亡的消息是谣言。可是我们没法随意定义谣言，我们没法让我们不愿意相信的事情变成谣言。我躺到床上，眼泪就忍不住地流，一会就哭出了声。我的脑子里充满了“为什么”。不知道后来是怎么睡去的。
早上，我几次醒来翻个身又睡去，并没有睡着，只是不想起来面对。终于我还是起了床，打开手机，满屏都是关于李文亮的消息，有人戴着口罩拍照，口罩上写着“不明白”。因为李文亮曾因散步谣言被训诫，他的告诫书上面写着：
我们希望你冷静下来好好反思，并郑重告诫你：如果你固执己见，不思悔改，继续进行违法行为，你将会收到法律的制裁！你听明白了吗？答：明白。
我又开始流泪。我要怎么在如此荒诞的社会生存呢？我还是得努力地活着，这也成为一种抗争。于是，我照常做了运动。我没法在家里呆着，就出了门。电梯里贴了抽纸，供人们按电梯用。
我要跟别人说起李文亮，我们应该记得他。最近去江边的人很少，我常去，和江滩的管理员就认识了。我走到江边，问管理员：“你知道李文亮昨天死了吗？”说完，就想我哪里知道李文亮到底是什么时间死的，有人说他昨晚9点半左右停止心跳，可是后来又被装上ECMO（人工肺）抢救。今天凌晨3点48分，武汉中心医院发的微博显示，李文亮是今天凌晨2点58分去世。
他说：“知道，在手机上看到信息了。这个没法讨论。”
我说：“李文亮是最早发出肺炎消息的人，他还被认为是造谣，现在他死了，这太令人伤心了。”
管理员说：“这样的事太多了，如果不是工作，我也呆在家里不出来。”
我说：“家里太闷了，我出来走走。”
他说：“注意安全。”
我说：“你也是。”
今天江边的人格外少， 我只看到了两个人，那个可以空手翻单杠的“老人家”也不在。
回到家我点了一根蜡烛来悼念李文亮。洗澡的时候，我打开手机，放了《国际歌》单曲循环。然后我放声大哭，这是一种从未有过的悲愤。
