Sideline Chatter: What are chances that buying it turns you into hunka hunka burning love?

©The Seattle Times

Need a little good-luck charm, or maybe just a fashion accessory to set off your blue suede shoes?

Elvis Presley’s rhinestone-studded jockstrap — complete with the initials “EP” on the waistband — is expected to hit $36,000 on the Paul Fraser Collectibles auction block.

“Extravagant. Absurd. Sexually potent … pure Elvis Presley,” seller rep Daniel Wade told the London Daily Mail. “I’m sure the new owner won’t be able to resist wearing it out on a Saturday night.”

No word on whether it comes with a return-to-sender guarantee.

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Headlines

— At Fark.com: “Viewers who successfully complete 64-hour Derek Jeter marathon on MLB Network will receive free gift basket.”

— At TheOnion.com: “Governor upset barber would be so reckless as to get near Ben Roethlisberger.”

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Laughing in their beer

New Jersey brewery Departed Soles is rolling out a beer called “Trash Can Banger” to poke fun at the Astros’ sign-stealing scandal.

To which Houston foes can only say: Barrel it up!

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In wheel trouble

Formula E driver Daniel Abt was disqualified from his third-place finish in the circuit’s “Race At Home Challenge” event on May 23 after it was discovered he had a ringer — professional simulation racer Lorenz Hoerzing — doing his driving.

Now THAT’s what you call failing the postrace inspection.

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Pass the popcorn

Some sports movies we’d like to see:

— “Sitting Out The Last Dance”: Post-Jordan Bulls fail to reach NBA Finals for 21st straight year.

— “Moneybawl”: Pay squabbles scuttle 2020 baseball season.

— “Chariots Afire”: NASCAR adds another division featuring Corvairs and Pintos.

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Testing, 1, 2, 3 …

Dodger Stadium’s parking lot has been converted into California’s biggest drive-through coronavirus testing site, with the capacity to process 6,000 people daily.

So what’s next — Steve Garvey driving you in for a $10 donation?

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Deere season is canceled

This year’s John Deere Classic, scheduled for July 9-12, has been canceled due to the coronavirus pandemic.

In lieu of a news release, the PGA Tour announced the breakup in a John Deere letter.

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Birdies, bogeys, gators

Two alligators staged a two-hour fight on the 18th-hole green at Hilton Head Lakes golf course in Hardeeville, S.C.

Rumor has it the loser got turned into golf shoes.

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Tweet of the Week

“American flag should have 15 stripes: 13 (for the original colonies) +2 (a nod to the duality of franchise history).” — @Wubsta, applying some Washington Nationals math

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Where’s the snack bar?

The Miami Dolphins are turning back the clock and converting their Hard Rock Stadium into a temporary drive-in movie theater that can host up to 230 cars.

Experts expect it’ll be a stunning success — as long as the Dolphins don’t show any game films from, say, the past 10 seasons.

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Penalty on the play?

Florida prep-football powerhouse Northwestern of Miami is being investigated — and coach Max Edwards suspended — for allegedly conducting practices during the coronavirus shutdown.

If true, it’ll be football’s costliest sneak since Patrick Mahomes.

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Get me marketing

If surgical goal-scorer David Pastrnak had been drafted by the Blackhawks instead of the Bruins, would he now be known as Doctor Chicago?

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Talking the talk

— Broncos RB Melvin Gordon, via Twitter, on how playing for the Chargers in L.A. was good preparation for this year’s pandemic-altered NFL season: “Bro, we didn’t have fans anyway. … So I’m not missing anything.”

— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, noting that Tom Brady’s production company — just like Michael Jordan’s — is working in conjunction with ESPN on a multipart documentary about the star QB: “Deflategate? What Deflategate?”

— Dave Spect, via Facebook, after the girlfriend of Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge asked officers “Do you know who my boyfriend is?” when she was arrested for DUI: “Soon she’ll know two judges.”

— Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, after one of Pats owner Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl rings sold at auction for $1.025 million: “Which begs the question: How does he get Putin to give it up?”

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Grip it and rip it

Tom Brady’s pants ripped in a most unfortunate spot when he bent over during the Champions for Charity golf match.

In other words, in a flash he went from quarterback to split end.

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Home games

Yamaha has developed a “Remote Cheerer” system that allows fans at home to be heard during games played in empty stadiums, and field-tested it on May 13 with 58 speakers placed around 50,000-seat Shizuoka Stadium ECOPA during a soccer match.

Sounds like a win-win to us: Not only will be players hear your cheers, but the restroom lines won’t be as long.

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Quote marks

— Christine Brennan of USA Today, on ESPN’s Lance Armstrong documentary: “After soldiering through 2 1/2 months of a pandemic, what did we do to deserve this, another TV network giving Armstrong airtime to share childhood pictures and his innermost feelings as he retells his enduringly reprehensible story?”

— Bucs QB Tom Brady, via Instagram, on why he enjoyed his golf foray: “At halftime of football games we get checked for concussions. In golf, you get refreshments.”

— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after two Thoroughbreds trained by Bob Baffert tested positive for a banned substance in Arkansas: “Well, at least horses can’t complain to the media it was a ‘tainted supplement.’ ”

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Quote, end quote

— Ex-Seattle Times sportswriter Bud Withers, via Twitter, on the highway sign entering Yakima describing it as “The Palm Springs of Washington”: “Come to think of it, I think there’s a sign outside Palm Springs designating it as the ‘Yakima of southern California.’ ”

— Jay Busbee of Yahoo Sports, via Twitter, on MLB’s sliding-scale proposal for player pay: “This chart is a Rorschach test. Do you see players taking an 80% salary cut, or players making $8 million for four months’ work?”

— Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook, after Costco shopper O.J. Simpson — wearing a mask but barehanded — was spotted pushing a cart in Las Vegas: “Of all people, you’d think O.J. would be wearing gloves.”

— Greg Cote of The Miami Herald, after a bat used by Lou Gehrig sold for $1 million: “There is only one baseball bat in the world worth $1 million. It’s the one with a check for $999,000 taped to the barrel.”

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25 under par

Talk about moving up a few weight classes.

Nine-year-old angler Coye Price reeled in a huge sturgeon in Tennessee’s Old Hickory Lake. He weighs 55 pounds; the lunker fish, 80.

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©2020 The Seattle Times