Who needs the moon in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars?
The sporting world lined up quite an impressive first of its own on Thursday — with the NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, MLS and WNBA all playing on the same day.
— At Fark.com: “Padres’ Eric Hosmer suffers fractured finger. On the other hand, he’s fine.”
— At TheOnion.com: “Monster truck chased down by torch-wielding regular trucks.”
Net Loss Dept.
Top-ranked Novak Djokovic got defaulted from the U.S. Open after a ball he struck in anger hit a line judge.
On the plus side, he was immediately credited with a one-hit shutout.
Umpire Joe West tossed Nats GM Mike Rizzo for yelling at him out of a third-deck stadium suite.
If this were 1968, West would immediately be on TV hawking rabbit ears.
Tweet of the Week
“I wasn’t able to work a Kentucky Derby photo onto our Sunday sports cover. I hope the horse’s parents don’t complain.” — Nick Petaros of the Waterloo-Cedar Falls (Iowa) Courier
Why is it that whenever one of those IOC stuffed shirts invokes “the Olympic movement,” an Ex-Lax commercial comes to mind?
THAT’s a fish story
Jeff “Marathon Man” Kolodzinski broke his own Guinness World Record when he caught 2,645 fish in a 24-hour period in Peoria, Ill.
But you should’ve seen the size of the 2,646th one that got away.
Phil Foden and Mason Greenwood were dropped by England’s national soccer team for breaching quarantine rules by bringing women to the team hotel in Iceland.
That’s what you call playing the wrong kind of friendly.
Don’t mask, don’t tell
A greyhound named Covid Nineteen won the seventh race in a photo finish at the Palm Beach (Fla.) Kennel Club on Sept. 4.
Well, duh: If neck-and-neck is your idea of social distancing, the smart money’s always on Covid.
One (hour) and done
Mo Farah, Britain’s four-time Olympic champion, broke the one-hour world record by covering 21,330 meters — 13 1/4 miles — in 60 minutes.
Let’s just say he’s good in the long run.
Talking the talk
— Mike Hart of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, on the Packers having a record three punts blocked — two for touchdowns — in their 1975 season opener: “This is harder to do than building something from IKEA.”
— Midwesterner Dez See, via Facebook, on our beleaguered nation: “We used to say we would know when the apocalypse is here when the Chiefs win the Super Bowl. Well, it’s not funny anymore.”
— Chris Carlin of 98.7 ESPN New York, on the COVID face shield worn by Chiefs coach Andy Reid: “It’s foggin’ up like teenagers makin’ out in a car. Please, someone, get him a windshield wiper at halftime.”
Something’s fishy here
Mike Trout, with his 300th round-tripper, just passed Tim Salmon as the Angels’ all-time home-run leader.
So how’d this team ever miss out on drafting Mike Carp and Kevin Bass?
— Blogger Patti Dawn Swansson, on the three legs of horse racing’s Triple Crown being run out of order this year due to COVID-19: “There hasn’t been this much confusion about legs since Joe Namath did that pantyhose commercial in the 1970s.”
— Forty-Niners GM John Lynch, to reporters, on why his team wasn’t in the Jadeveon Clowney sweepstakes: “We’re out of cash.”
— Dan Daly of ProFootballDaly.com, via Twitter, on Daniel Snyder’s legacy with the Washington Football Team: “Snyder bought Saks Fifth Avenue and in 20 years turned it into the Dollar Store.”
— Bengals rookie QB Joe Burrow, to reporters, when asked who delivered the toughest hit he’s ever taken: “I won’t give anybody that satisfaction.”
Who’s laughing now?
Veteran safety Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix was released by the Cowboys.
Think he’s got a chip on his shoulder? We’re betting he’ll get the last Ha-Ha.
Quote, end quote
— Nuggets big man Nikola Jokic, to reporters, on why he’s so patient when he gets the ball on offense: “I’m patient because I cannot really run fast. That’s my only option.”
— Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on life in 2020: “On the news tonight all they talked about were boycotts, protests, riots, violence, dissension, disease, lawsuits and court cases. And that was just the sportscast.”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, with an MLB who-woulda-thunk-it: “Pretty sure absolutely, positively NO ONE had the best 2020 team in the state of New York being the Blue Jays.”
— Jeff Greer, via Twitter, on ACC basketball coaches proposing an all-in postseason for 2021: “A No. 351 seed has never beaten a No. 1 seed in the NCAA tournament.”
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